Baby Fernanda
by still-dreaming15
Summary: Half the credit goes to sheep-rock for this. VERY random and probably pointless. The vampires get into a lot of chaos when a bunny-doll and sleep mix forming Baby Fernanda. Now COMPLETE! :
1. The Nuclear Bomb

Baby Fernanda

**Disclaimer: I don't own Darren Shan, Samsung or the disease Rubella (though which would be better to have, I don't know). As anyone know has met me knows, if I did own a Samsung, it would suffer my school bag same as everything else (no, it turned out the thing moving in there was dead by the time I got to clearing it out). If I owned Rubella, I'd never do sport again (we'll leave it at that). Lastly, if I did own Darren Shan, why would I be sat here at 1 in the morning with nothing better to do? I'd be too busy putting them on eBay, obviously!**

**A.N: This is something me and my best friend ****sheep-rock**** came up with a long time ago on the ride to Southport. I think it developed from a game of consequences similar to other ones we've done which have involved stuff that shouldn't be put on fanfic from Kurda being a robot and going hyper on cheese for the day to Arra being a Mary Sue (not that my co-author will remember these and is probably going to read this and think 'what?!' - an after-effect of the sugar, you'll see). We were very hyper which explains the randomness. If you want to flame it, don't bother wasting your time or mine – I haven't forced you to read this. You have been warned.**

In the Hall of Princes, Mika is asleep. He is tired but only barely asleep. The Generals aren't amused after being ignored for several hours. Mika keeps muttering in his sleep, tossing and turning. Paris and Arrow are also asleep while Darren holds down the 'map frontier'. The Generals are like cats; the more you ignore them, the angrier and more deadly they get. This is not a good thing (if you've ever seen hungry kitties, you will understand this).

"No!" Mika suddenly screams, almost leaping out of his throne. The Generals scowl, doing Desmond Tiny proud. "Don't leave me Rubella!"

"Rubella?!" one General laughs. "Isn't that a disease?"

The Hall laughs which doesn't, for some reason, affect the Princes. Darren looks up from his 'deep concentration' and frowns as Mika suffers yet more hysterics.

"Hang on!" he yells. "You've forgotten this… WHAT THE HELL?!"

As the usually composed Prince seems delirious, one kind General decides it's probably better to wake him up but he's quickly swatted away by the evil others who are eager to hear the rest. Some are even producing phones, swiped from children on their way to Council in order to document this and put it on Youtube (**A.N. Did you really expect vampires to shun technology? How did you think Kurda got his hair straight?**).

"But this is a _baby_!" Mika continues. "You don't seriously expect me to look after it, do you? It smells, it screams, it wants feeding and it's a miniature poop-machine!"

Darren frowns and even Mr Crepsley looks up from his 'Vampire Mail on Sunday' sudoku problem. The room is deadly silent now except for the occasional snore from Arrow or Paris.

Mika looks very – as most accurately put as possible – horrified at this point. His expression is identical to the one Snape would wear if you put him in a pink room, as he recoils in his throne.

"No, keep awake!" he squeals. "Stay back you demon! HELP! NUCLEAR WASTE!"

The poor, sad, lonely Goth-prince's screams carry out of the Hall of Princes, attracting many curious vampires. The outer side of said room is almost covered in ears, all eavesdropping since they can't get in. Meanwhile, Darren puts down the map, secretly happy that he can do, and turns to his mentor.

"Should we wake him?" Darren asks. Mr Crepsley pauses for half a minute, thoughtful, but after looking at the Prince and remembering all the good times they had shared, he decides.

"No," he replies, shortly. He goes back to his sudoku.

"Still, I feel a little sorry for him," Darren muses. "Oh well, I'll forget it soon enough. Has anyone seen my Samsung?"

**Yet another A.N: This isn't the end but you'll have to wait til tomorrow night until I can get sheep-rock over to help me out. I promise neither the disclaimer nor the A.N.s will be so long. If anyone has a vampire-sounding name that I can borrow for the next chapter I would be very grateful since I don't have one and Fernanda needs an introduction. Please review but no flames and no documentarians who will decide to tell me about the big flaws that are probably lurking around. Just live with it - it isn't real.**


	2. Darren

**Disclaimer: Neither sheep-rock nor still-dreaming15 owns Darren Shan because Desmond Tiny would not be the most evil person in the book - there'd be two or even three. Darren Shan - you better hope we don't find the copyright.**

After about ten minutes even Darren is getting bored of seeing Mika squeal in terror and some of the Generals are starting to demand better footage. Naturally, Paris would have to choose this moment to open the doors accidentally and expose them all to vampiric flooding. Vampires begin to pour in, both curious and bored (which are never a good combination).

One of the new entrants is a guard named Perliat Cheil, who is well-known in the Darren Shan Fanfiction Archive for causing mischief and mayhem. For some reason this odd vampire is carrying a fluffy, pink bunny complete with a silk polka-dotted bow. Many vampires, seeing this adorable creature, coo and 'aww'.

"I have an idea!" Darren says, boredom running away with him. "Give me the bunny!"

Perliat hands over the fluff-ball to his Prince, reluctantly.

"Be careful with Mrs Snuffles," he mutters but nobody hears or sees the tear in the corner of his eye. He had loved that bunny like a father loves his daughter.

Darren, however, has something better on his mind than Empty-Nest-Syndrome, namely revenge for Mika mocking his Ken-doll Action Figure. He creeps up to the Goth-Prince and, like a true secret-Agent, falls flat on his face and throws the bunny to Mika. Mika grabs it and gives a horrified scream before falling silent. One General has a second's thought where he hopes that Mika has died in his dream. Fortunately, this is not the case.

Mika actually begins to coo and fuss over the doll as though it were a baby.

"Who's a good little baby-waby girl? You are! You are!" he tells the doll in a sickly sweet voice. The whole hall goes into shock at this point, no longer seeing the funny side... "You're not going to poop for your Aunty Mika, are you? No, you're not!"

… until Darren burst out laughing of course – then the Hills were alive with the sound of laughter and the Guardians of Blood all run away in fear of the 'Apocalypse'.

"I know!" Mika declares, "I'll call you Fernando! Wait, no that won't work because you're a girl. You can be Fernanda when I'm looking after you, yes you can be Fernanda." Darren was practically splitting his sides laughing, and Harkat wasn't much better. Then Darren came up with his second good idea of the night…

**AN: This chappie has actually been written by both sheeprock and still-dreaming15 and as sheeprock I can only take credit for the last paragraph :( but I will be writing more of this story, yay!**


	3. Steve

A

**A.N.: Since my ever so helpful co-author finished off the last chapter on my behalf and left a cliff-hanger I don't know what to do with, this isn't exactly to plan but hey! It's only one little plot-hole which I can easily explain… Let's move on to the disclaimer before I get distracted again… **

**Warning: may be a few spoilers for Book 7 on. **

**This chapter is dedicated to ****Darkened Harmony**** and ****xX101Yuuki101Xx**** because both of them were nice enough to review. Thanks people.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Darren Shan or the Internet but we do own Baby Fernanda. I hope the Darren Shan Characters know how lucky they are that we don't own them or they'd probably be rented to crazy fans. Shame – all that potential going to waste!**

**Baby Fernanda: Goo!**

Darren pulls out his Samsung and begins dialling frantically but, because it's been such a long time, he can't remember the number fully. After 13 groans of frustration, Mr Crepsley is roused and looks at the Prince for an explanation. Darren doesn't give him one, focusing his short attention span on the phone.

"Darren, what are you doing to your poor phone?" Harkat asks, creeping up beside his friend. Darren jumps again, causing him to dial wrong and have to start again.

"I'm trying to phone someone!" he snaps. "Can't you see that?"

"Actually I thought you were trying to trash it…" Mr Crepsley mutters before coughing discretely. "Who are you trying to 'phone'?"

"Steve Leopard, of course!" his assistant replies, impatiently.

"Steve Leopard?!" Mr Crepsley gasps, drawing his axe (the one from the cover of Book 9). "I shall kill him!"

"Chill Mr C," Harkat says, patting the vampire's arm sympathetically. "Steve's later on in this Saga. Right now, Darren and Steve still get on, remember?! Why are you trying to call Steve, Darren?"

The Prince doesn't reply, having successfully dialled his old-friend Steve the right way. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Hullo?" groans a voice on the other end. "It's one in the freaking morning! What do you want?!"

Darren resists the urge to 'Happy Dance' and instead cries, "Hey Steve!"

"Who are you?" Steve asks, annoyed.

"Darren, of course! Darren Shan? Ring any bells buddy?"

"You're supposed to be undead mate, go back to your drinking of blood or whatever it is you should be doing. I have to make stakes in the morning and I can't do it if I'm tired."

"But Steve!" Darren whines. "I need your evil genius' help!"

"DON'T CALL ME EVIL!" Steve screams, wide awake now. Darren holds his phone well away from his ear but still he winces, the whole hall echoing with his friend's screams. The vampires begin to scream things back that aren't pleasant and are too explicit for this rating. Surprisingly, the Princes don't wake.

"Steve, I'm sorry," sobs Darren, his ears bleeding. "I just wanted your help because you're so awesome and great and fun. I'm sorry for disturbing you. Please don't hurt me…"

"Of course you wanted my help," Steve laughs, not modest at all, "I am the best after all. There's no-one quite like me! Hey, maybe I need a theme tune… Hmm…. So what is it you want help with?"

"I want to ask you what would you do if someone that made fun of you was now asleep and dreaming that he is the mother of a bunny-doll? I want revenge see."

Steve thinks for a minute, letting the line fall dead long enough for Darren to panic and sob his friend's memoirs. The evil genius on the other end snaps at him to shut up.

"I would make him sign adoption papers for the doll and, if I could, make him marry another sleeping dude so he could have a family? Would that work?"

"Steve, you are a genius! I could kiss you!"

"Don't. Save it for the slash fics. Now, go back to being undead you retard!"

The line dies as Steve goes back to sleep, unknowingly having spelled the doom of Mika and his fellow Princes.

**Please, please, please review. I would like at least 3 reviews before I put up the next chapter because it seemed to work for sheep-rock. Please be kind and review. Please?**


	4. Vampire Law and Order

**I don't actually think I've ever written so much… is in awe of own dedication and attention span Well, let's move on. By the way, thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, I was amazed to find so many emails in my inbox. Please keep reading although it's a bit random and probably retarded. **

**Disclaimer: I only own Baby Fernanda and possibly more characters which may or may not feature later on (I haven't decided yet). I do not own any characters or anything else from the Darren Shan Saga because, as I have said before, if I did they would be doing a million and one things they can't possibly imagine laughs evilly and then chokes as all good evil people do. This is the part where, should they read this by some chance, they run away.**

"Wow! That was an amazing idea!" Darren shrieks, very excited. If he wasn't still slightly traumatised thanks to Steve, he would already be carrying out the plan. Instead, whilst waiting for his shoes to stop wobbling, he ponders on the thought whether 'an eye for an eye' would really satisfy him. Even if all this went to plan, would he really enjoy getting his revenge on Mika for mocking him as he cleaned his newly-bald head with shoe-polish? Darren thinks about it…

… and thinks about it…

… and thinks some more…

… and then decides that it will so skips off to get supplies, dragging a dazed Harkat with him.

- Some time later -

Darren and Harkat return to the Hall of Princes, triumphantly. For some reason, the Princes are still fast asleep. As it stands, the rest of the audience to their slumber are coming up with theories on why the Princes have been asleep for a full hour. It doesn't seem to strike them as normal for tired people so the best ones are; sleeping pills, alcohol, evil rabbits poisoning their food or Vancha accidentally leaving them some of his 'mushrooms' hanging about from the last time he visited.

"Hey everybody!" Darren yells. The vampires look up and gather around their, rather-short-compared-to-them-hyperactive Prince. Darren climbs on Harkat's shoulders to make him feel better about his height issues. "I want to tell you all that it is time for us to make a move against the dark Prince who has made so many meetings miserable. You are hereby invited to a special, once-in-a-millennium event to witness the blessed union between mother and… uh… fluff-ball!"

The vampires look confused, not understanding as they didn't hear the phone-call with Steve. Harkat, seeing this, rolls his eyes and explains to everyone, "We're going to make a Mika adopt the rabbit as revenge."

The vampires understand this time and cheer. The only one not excited is Perliat Cheil, who runs from the Hall of Princes, sobbing hysterically and wailing about his precious daughter. Mr Crepsley looks up for a moment and then sighs, not wishing to be involved in whatever scheme they are plotting. He goes back to his almost-completed sudoku.

Darren shows the vampires a little bundle of things; adoption papers, a book called 'Vampire Law and Order' and a pen. Harkat takes the book and opens it at the page about fluffy bunnies. He reads it and groans. Everyone in the Hall (minus the Princes) tenses, awaiting the inevitable bad news.

"We have a problem," Harkat announces. "According to the Law, should a vampire want to adopt a fluffy bunny, they must be in a stable relationship to provide love and security for said bunny-doll. Mika isn't in a relationship and I pity the twisted people who can actually imagine him in one."

"Well, surely if we put him in a relationship, it could work?" Darren muses. "Any relationship he has now could be a 'stable' one because he's sat on a chair."

"True," Harkat replies, glancing at the Hall, "But who's going to be the unlucky one and date him?'

**The end of another incredibly short chapter sighs dramatically. Oh well. I will update later, I promise but I have to go out. Bye people. Don't you just pity the guy dating Mika? Who will it be? Who will it be? Hmm…**


	5. A Really Scary Moment

**A.N. : Wow, two chapters in one night. This one comes with help and plotting from sheep-rock, who says 'hi' to everyone who has reviewed because it really is appreciated.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own the Darren Shan Saga but, as a small consolation, we do own Baby Fernanda. Imagine all the fun you could have torturing the Princes with an imaginary baby… You're probably sick of my disclaimers and I don't blame you. I'll shut up now ¬.¬**

As it turned out, no-one has to volunteer. Instead, a sleepy and slightly disturbing Arrow accidentally leans on Mika and the whole situation changes. As Arrow mumbles, Mika (probably picking up on half of what's really happening) nods and scandalously leans back on his fellow Prince. If the Hall didn't find it so disturbing, their cute couple position, with Mika holding the bunny-doll like a baby, would have been quite funny.

"Ah, finally, you're home," Arrow mumbles. He puts an arm around what he's dreaming is his wife, but actually is Mika. Mika leans on him, wondering why his dream-girlfriend wants to be macho. Neither have the consciousness to question this, which is quite good for the purposes of this story.

"Don't leave me again," Mika replies, rocking the baby. He dreams that it gurgles happily and so he ends up smiling (a feat that would shock even Desmond Tiny). The vampires take this moment to stare, open-mouthed at the horror that's unfolding but not Mr Crepsley, because he wants to finish his puzzle. A few vampires take pictures with their phones but most are too shocked.

"I won't leave you, honey," Arrow tells Mika, who has a sudden thought.

"But why did you leave us before?" Mika asks, frowning once again. "Why did you leave me with your daughter?"

"Daughter?!" Arrow shrieks. "What daughter? I'm not a father!"

"No, I can see that," Mika mutters. Many of the Generals begin to wonder if their Princes have gender confusion as well as very odd dreams that now they appear to be sharing.

"Well, Baby Fernanda is your daughter but I've been looking after her," Mika continues. "She's been a perfect angel for me – although her diaper smells like a bomb went off in a cow shed. Though, I know you've been ill for some time so I forgive you for forgetting. You must've bumped your head really hard, dear."

Arrow smiles in a way that says 'I'll just go with it' and kisses Mika's cheek. Several Generals and Darren hurl at this, not used to such affection from either of said Princes to any person, let alone each other. They silently agree this is more like a horrible nightmare. Mika blushes, unaware that he has an audience. For some inexplicable reason (and possibly some foul play from Desmond Tiny) they appear to be sharing a dream about the bunny-doll being called Baby Fernanda whilst the rest of the Hall, which they are unaware of, watches in horror and slight amusement.

Suddenly Arrow leaps up from his throne, scaring the vampires nearby, and kneels in front of Mika.

"I know this is a little sudden and strange but… My darling, will you… Will you marry me?" Arrow asks. What an unexpected twist! Darren thinks, though most of the Hall agrees. Mika smiles suddenly like a dog smiling and then spitting out it's dinner (which is a fair description of what the Hall feels it looks like) and nods. Then, as quickly as it started, both Princes fall silent and limp, fast asleep again.

"Well," Harkat begins, "That was… unexpected."

Darren nods.

"Yeah, 'unexpected' is the right word," the Prince whispers, afraid that he may be scarred for life. He breaks into a smile, his camera having caught the whole thing. "But now Mika is going to regret the day he was born! Mwah ha ha ha!"

As soon as he laughs, in a bad impression of Desmond Tiny (who has featured quite a bit recently though not in person), he ends up coughing and spluttering. Harkat sighs and pats him on the back.

"So, how are you going to get them to sign those adoption papers now they're completely insane and fast asleep?" Harkat asks when Darren is settled again.

"I have a plan," Darren croaks, his eyes watering.

"You sound like Paris, you know?" Harkat smirks. "Anyway, don't you think they've suffered enough? I mean, you did catch the whole thing on camera and even if it doesn't show, you could probably sell it to those people that did the Harry Potter Puppet Pals. Do you think that poor doll deserves any more torture?"

Darren studies Harkat for a minute, thinking on how weird that all sounded, coming from the Little Person.

"Harkat, it's a doll," he tells his friend, slowly. Harkat's eyes fill with tears.

"Just because it has stitches, doesn't mean it doesn't have feelings!" he sobs before running out of the Hall. Mr Crepsley leaps up from his seat, waving his newspaper around.

"I did it! I did it!" he declares. "I am the Prince of Sudoku!"

Most of the Hall glares at him, trying to come to terms with what's happened in the last few minutes.

"Bad time, Mr Crepsley," Darren tells him.

**A.N.: I would please like another 3 reviews if it isn't asking too much. Please? Oh and if anyone wants any say on who the Guest Star for the next chapter will be, you get to chose from Desmond Tiny, Mr Tall or Vancha March. Thank you everyone.**


	6. He's a summer!

**This chapter I do hereby dedicate to the following people:**

**My little sister first and foremost because it was her birthday yesterday.**

**To everyone who has reviewed so far – if you write your own Fanfiction, you will appreciate it too.**

**To Darren Shan because he wrote such fantastic stories that I can only attempt to borrow and write well about. sighs dramatically**

**I don't own the Darren Shan Saga because I'm not that great. Plus I don't have the kind of money you would need to buy out someone else's copyright. Would he even sell anyway…?**

Mr Crepsley sits down dejectedly, accidentally nudging a 'secret' button on the wall. There's a lot of whirring and the sounds of machines ticking before a panel opens up in the roof of the Hall and a yellow blur drops out of nowhere. It hits the floor and bounces back on it's feat singing (or screaming depending on what you think is 'good' music) along to Toxic by Britney Spears. The yellow and white blob spins around as the song ends and bumps into Darren, knocking him to the floor. The Prince, absolutely terrified, has no interest in getting back up, staring at the man.

"Duh-duh-Desmond Tuh-tuh-tin-ee!" he stammers, his face pale. If there's something that scares him more than the Princes kissing each other and being… romantic… Ugh! He shudders at the very thought. But the thing even scarier would have to be the little meddler. Whenever he showed up in the past, he always brought bad news and horrible messes.

"Darren?" Desmond demands, taking off his iPod. He looks around. "This isn't my Britney-babe-music-room! Oh… Ugh… I probably shouldn't have said that… Erm… Okay! Erm… Why am I here?"

He laughs awkwardly, his face going quite red. Darren shudders at the idea of Desmond dancing around in a 'Britney-babe-music-room' but that isn't the pressing problem and he kills the thought before he can vomit (again). Mr Crepsley and Harkat haul him to his feet so, as the only awake (and possibly sane) Prince in the room, it's his duty to see to Desmond. After all, he couldn't handle it any worse than another man, Little Person, General, Prince or (if there were any unfortunate enough to be there) vampiress.

Desmond looks around and turns in the direction of where Mr Crepsley was sat. His footsteps echo terrifyingly and the vampires flinch. He sees the button set in the wall and pauses. When he turns around, his face is still and motionless.

"Who pressed my button?" he asks quietly. "That button means I can't leave. Who pressed it?"

Nobody, remembering Desmond's tantrums from previous years, tells on Mr Crepsley (as much as they'd like to). The meddler checks his watch and pouts.

"I'm missing my Winnie the Pooh!" he complains. "I hope you're happy!"

He throws himself onto the chair and sulks for a good few hours.

A good few hours later –

"Ugh… Mr Tiny?" Harkat and Darren ask, a little scared. The white-haired weirdo in a yellow coat and green wellies looks up, sourly.

"What?" he growls.

"Erm… we wanted to ask you? Do you know what's happened to our Princes? They seem to be embarrassing themselves whilst they're asleep and some Generals have just tried to wake them up but they… well they can't. Could you help us?"

Desmond leaps up, his face scarily happy.

"So that's where it went!" he yells, cheering. The vampires watch in fear. "My super-evil-genius-make-people-stupid-in-their-sleep-wine! I wondered who'd found it! So what have they been doing? Have they stripped? Have they run around like a gorilla? Have they painted themselves with chocolate-coated-jam and done the hula along the Great Wall of China?"

He runs up to look at the Princes and laughs hysterically **(A.N. Is it wrong to be able to say you know people exactly like him? **_**Real**_** people?)**, clutching his sides. He looks like one of those mutant Santa dolls that are so old, they're more for Halloween. If Mr Tiny was a Santa doll, he'd have one eye, mouldy wax skin and a yellow-polka-dotted-green-suit with laser lights in pink. That is how scary he would be. Not that you'd want to imagine Mr Tiny as a freakishly old Santa-doll.

The vampires watch as Desmond laughs…

… and laughs…

… and laughs some more…

… and then falls to the floor, choking because he hasn't breathed in a long time. Darren feels the colour from his face drop because he did exactly the same thing earlier.

When Mr Tiny finally recovers he walks behind Paris and flicks open his watch. His face glows flamingo-pink and turns his yellow coat orange. Mr Tiny must be a summer because it suits his complexion perfectly. If Kurda Smahlt were still around, they'd probably be best buddies.

The glow also falls on Paris and the old Prince twitches. With a grin that makes him look like a sick flamingo on Vancha's mushrooms, he walks out. The vampires watch intently, gasping in wonder and amazement at Paris' actions. There are a number of flashes from cameras and several screams of "Charna's guts!"

**Don't you want to know what Paris did? Don't you, don't you, don't you? I would like at least 5 reviews now please because I don't actually see that many people reviewing for a little while and I have some stuff to do. Sorry this chapter wasn't so great but thank you people for still reading it! PLEASE REVIEW! If you can't think of something to say, I will help you out; I'll allow you to pick the props featuring in what happens next (not that I'm going to tell you what it means):**

**1) Disco-balls and DJ gear. **

**2) White frills and flamingo suits.**

**3) War-stories and banana quilts.**

**Have fun trying to figure out what my random, twisted and bored mind is intending to do with all those. **


	7. The Long Story of Paris' Dancing

**A.N.: As promised here is the seventh chapter because I got all 5 reviews. Thank you so much to everyone who did, it really is appreciated and to show you, I'm dedicating this to one to you. Thanks again. **

**VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I do not own Darren Shan as I have said before. In fact, I don't think I would want to because the characters wouldn't be so good if I did and I couldn't borrow them. It's much more fun this way. If for some reason Darren Shan does end up reading this (VERY unlikely apparently) then I just think he'd like to know that. I also probably don't own most of the coming chapter. I always start by doing a disclaimer and A.N. so I don't know what I'm going to end up typing any more than you do. It's more fun that way – like reading your own work. Any way, back to the point. I intend to use Yuukki09's idea because it was actually following what I had in mind. Yuukki09, you are an absolute genius and if I don't use it this chapter then it will be coming soon. Super thanks.**

**Okay then, I'll really stop going on now so you can read the random story. If you have 'Axel F – Crazy Frog' then you ought to put it on replay now. That's what I did. I don't own that either runs off sobbing. Enjoy.**

- Previously -

_The glow also falls on Paris and the old Prince twitches. With a grin that makes him look like a sick flamingo on Vancha's mushrooms, he walks out. The vampires watch intently, gasping in wonder and amazement at Paris' actions. There are a number of flashes from cameras and several screams of "Charna's guts!"_

Half an hour later -

Finally, Paris has fallen asleep again which is a good thing. Several vampires had been forced to see doctors because they had laughed and spewed at the same time, resulting in something that was now being called S.P.S (or Stupid Prince Syndrome). As if Darren didn't have enough to worry about without a plague too! This was turning out to be quite a day.

With the Princes subdued (or sedated depending on how nice you're feeling about it), Darren sits down on a chair, sighing. The last half hour had been the worst. With Desmond Tiny's meddling… well everything had gotten out of hand. The worst was having to relive it in his mind, over and over again. Still, he would wait until it disappeared before getting on with the new task at hand, the one that would cause a huge amount of chaos.

_Paris twitched and suddenly began to dream about his younger days as a vampire. Being blooded at two meant that he'd had quite a few, 'interesting', teenage years. He began to dream of one particular night where he convinced everyone that he had an illness and the side-effects included break-dancing in the Hall of Osca Velm to the shock of everyone else. Water had gone everywhere as he danced creating cool effects (he thought) but it would have to go wrong…_

_He had slipped on a rock and fell, breaking his arm. In the panic just before he crashed on the floor, he managed to smack a watching vampire so hard that he staggered… into the Prince's lap. The Prince screamed like a girl and ended up flailing… which hit (amazingly) a bat, which was flying badly thanks to the new high-pitched frequency. The bat landed in the water, splatting itself on the floor. The water flew up and ended with a dramatic spray. In short, it was all very weird._

_However now, Paris was dreaming and he thought it would be fun to retry his stunts. After all, he was just dreaming. It wouldn't be as if he'd actually hurt himself… right? He leapt from his throne and began to dance. The vampires, watching him, gasped in horror. Surely a man that old shouldn't be able to perform… He wouldn't… That was… Wasn't that against nature…? The sequence ended with a split, ripping the Prince's pants and exposing a lovely pair of panties that would have made Gavner's look stylish. They were pink with luminous green hearts and shiny purple spots. The epidemic of S.P.S began for those lucky enough not to experience it._

"_Word, man!" Paris yelled. "I got ma freak-on gooooood! Like whoa, guys! I gotta party wiv ma homies and ma laydees and ma peeps, y'know. Get down to it! You hav' been an amazing crowd and you are all ma homies! I love you all! Peace out!"_

_Darren tried hard not to spew again but he failed. Was that some sort of attempt at being cool? Like when adults try to be (using their word, not his) 'hip' and 'funky' and 'groovy'? It had to be, right? The young Prince took a deep breath and tried to calm down. What were his options? He could seal up the Mountain with concrete, couldn't he? Maybe he ought to execute the Princes himself… Whatever he was going to do, he'd have to do it quickly before they became the laughing-stock of the vampaneze. Maybe it was paranoia, but he could see red eyes everywhere (not realising he was looking through the pictures on his camera, naturally)!_

_However, despite the 'new lingo' and 'panties accident', Paris was still in his own little world. He got up, his knees creaking from the strain and rubbed his aching back. He still had one last trick. The crowd of vampires (in his dream) were cheering wildly and demanding an encore. It was time for the crazy frog…_

_Hopping madly, Paris began to wave his hands in the air. The crazy frog was a dance that he and his new friend Seba Nile had made up and it was sweeping the mountain fast. His best friend leapt onto the stage with him and joined in the dance (again, in his dream. Seba is a bit past it). Everyone screamed at him, a mascot (in a frog suit) joining in. _

"_I am the CRAZY FROG!" he screamed._

_Back in the real world, the vampires were also screaming… with laughter. All they could see was a hopping, waving, dancing, screaming, old Prince with weird underwear. You can imagine how it looked. Enough said._

Darren sighs. As expected, he did get the flashback. Also as expected, it was horrible. Harkat pats his shoulder, sympathetically. They would hug each other but –quote- that isn't what guys do –unquote-.

"Time to get a move on," Harkat tells him. "There's a lot of prep to do even for such a small thing."

_Paris fell quiet again, snoring loudly. Nobody bothered to question the outburst because, scarily enough, they were starting to get used to it. A kind General (who may or may not have been mentioned earlier in something like Chapter 2), ignoring the exposed panties, dragged the Prince back into his throne. Paris' head lolled and it touched Arrow, who still hand his arm around his fiancée, Mika. At once, Paris found his dream-world being replaced by a Church. Standing nearby were Arrow and Mika. The old guy didn't ask why they were holding hands or falling into each others' eyes – he had always expected it._

"_I think this would be the perfect place!" Mika squealed happily, throwing her arms around her soon-to-be-with-any-luck-husband. This also happened in real life. "Let's get married here! Like, right now!"_

_Mika giggled, blushing. Somehow, (s)he had morphed into a Mary-Sue in less than an hour. (S)he pulled out something that resembled a meringue out of her pocket (to the surprise of everyone watching in real life) but was actually a 'dress', throwing it over his/her clothes. Arrow laughed maniacally and ripped apart his to show a flamingo-pink tux. Paris, thinking 'might as well', pulled off his jacket to find himself in a flamingo suit. He blinked at himself. He wasn't thrilled._

Darren sighs again, shaking his head. He didn't know how much time they had but he'd better get going before the Princes start acting out their wedding. Or worse. He glances at the thrones once before helping Harkat with his wedding banner. All around the Generals are busy, attempting to come up with decorations, food, home-made gifts and other such things… The only three not participating are a flamingo, a meringue and something that looks like a retarded stage-hand from the Cirque du Freak (if it were took over by rabid fan-girls). He sighs again. This had better work.

_In the Hall of Princes, there was an evil General that happens to be bored. Boredom and evilness are not good companions. He hadn't been watching long but already an idea was forming in his head. His name was Morris Oliver Child Ker, which (like Desmond Tiny's name) could be shortened to Mr M.O.C.Ker on letters or, sometimes, Mr Mocker. He had been evil ever since his parents game him names he didn't like including one that implied he was a professional baby-sitter __**(A.N.: see the C and Ker if you get stuck)**__. Neither of them admitted to their hyper-ness when signing his birth-certificate, which was the reason behind it, so he put it down to them hating him._

_Anyway, enough about his life story. Mr Mocker could see that Mika and Arrow and Paris were having a bad day. He could see that. He could empathise. He could use it for his revenge. Already he had it all planned out._

"_Don't you think they ought to have a real wedding?" he asked his rather loud friend, innocently. "Wouldn't it be fun to see a real wedding? We haven't had one for ages!"_

"_Yeah!" his friend declared. "WHO VOTES WE GIVE THEM A REAL WEDDING?!"_

_The Generals turned to him, smiling. They, being the cat-like-evil-random people I've said they are, wanted revenge for the Princes making them sick. The vote was unanimous. The wedding would go on. The Princes were silent again. _

_Darren groaned, hearing the new suggestion. This was going to be a loooong night._

**Wow! The longest chapter so far! Yes, it was random. Yes, it was weird. Sorry about that if you didn't like it but you didn't **_**have **_**to read it so I can take no responsibility for your actions. If I get 5 reviews, I solemnly swear to update the wedding. I promise it will be just as random. I have a few extra surprises heading that way!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Crazy Frog but I do own the dance. I also own Mr Mocker and the weird outfits and anything the Darren Shan Characters happen to make. If I survive long enough, because you know if you generally read disclaimers of funny fics that the characters get mad at you, I will also own the wedding stuff (except that which belongs to Yuukki09 or sheep-rock). Until then I suppose I'll get to read all the wonderful stuff that everybody has written before Mika, Paris and Arrow attack me with hair-straighteners. **

**Happy Hug Whoever-it-is-now Month to everyone!**


	8. Baby Fernanda of Doom

**A.N.: Anybody who is keeping to date with this story will have noticed that I've been bargaining with reviews. I am going to stop that because otherwise I will never finish this story. In less than 2 weeks, the holidays will end and I will have my computer clogged with school rather than ideas and then you'll have to wait until Easter (at the earliest). Because of all this, I will be wrapping up Baby Fernanda – but not without some really weird and random bangs first.**

**Mika (asleep and in monotone): I have to do this disclaimer because the authoress is too busy rummaging through her book looking for the list of ideas that she and sheep-rock came up with whilst high on blue raspberry bon-bons. Neither she nor sheep-rock own Darren Shan because that already belongs to Mr Tiny who manipulated the real author. All ideas belong to Mr Tiny. Mr Tiny has not written a speech for me to read off because that would be… (no longer in monotone) what does that word say? Sack it. He can blackmail someone else!**

**This is just a short chapter because I realised that Baby Fernanda did not appear much in the story called 'Baby Fernanda'. Ironic, no?**

Whilst all this was going on, a sudden thought occurred to the General known as Perliat Cheil. After his sobbing fit in something like Chapter Two, he had run from the Halls and spent the hours dunking his head alternately in buckets of 'various liquids'. As a result he was very smelly and dizzy but it created the same sort of feeling you get when you're drunk.

When he got kicked out of the store rooms by a cranky Seba Nile (he didn't like being reminded about how many apostrophes he had used when he was younger), he begins to wonder where his bunny-doll has gone. He knows he won't be able to sleep without knowing that she's safe and tucked into the coffin next to his (complete with a carrot-toy for the bunny-doll).

He thinks that he ought to go and try to rescue his pride and joy before one of the vampires does something crazy like marrying her. As he makes his unsteady way to the Hall of Princes, he hears evil cackling and it distracts him. Like when you see a shiny object, he was just bent on finding where the laughter was coming from. He tracks it to a door and watches through the classic key-hole.

"Mwah ha ha ha!" a red-haired, scarred vampire in a red cloak laughs. It's Mr Crepsley. "At last Baby Fernanda! You and I shall have our revenge for the dishonouring of sudoku!"

He chokes and thumps himself on the back… then he begins pouring tea. That's right; Mr Crepsley is having a tea-party with the bunny-doll and plastic tea-cups. As for the tea… would you trust a vampire who is having a 'tea-party (of doom)' with hot liquids?

"So, like how are we like going to get our revenge?" Mr Crepsley asks the doll in a voice that sounds like it came straight from Fanfiction but is more often given to Kurda rather than Mr C. He makes 'Fernanda' whisper in his ear and nods a lot. The only answer Perliat can come up for all this is that Vampire Mountain has gone nutty (or maybe fruity depending on the type of chocolate).

"There you are Perliat!" somebody shrieks. "You have been listening at doors?! You no-good dropper-of-eaves! I will singe your nose hairs with a fire poker!"

The poor vampire jumps and runs for it, chased by an angry (and slightly senile) Seba Nile, who chases him with a stick for all of a minute before forgetting what he's doing. He ends up stood outside the door Perliat was. He too finds it necessary to 'be a dropper-of-eaves'.

Seba, unlike Perliat, doesn't linger long. When he sees Mr Crepsley dress the doll in a green, purple and black outfit complete with spikes and stake-shooter (it even has a matching bonnet!), he knows someone has to intervene.

"Larten! I did not bring you up to talk in baby-language to a doll! You're a disgrace to the vampires and you aren't fit to walk the pee of vampaneze's feet!" Seba roars. It doesn't have quite the right effect as Mr Crepsley laughs maniacally and splutters that Seba said 'pee' and used three apostrophes. Seba knows that something is really wrong with his assistant and drags him off to the showers, kicking and screaming, in the hope that he can scrub the rubbish out.

As soon as the bunny-doll is alone a ninja creeps in and picks 'her' up.

"I have you now!" he (at least it _seems_ to be a 'he') chuckles, bagging Baby Fernanda. "Soon we'll get _our_ revenge, won't we?!"

There must be laughing-gas in the water because this newcomer laughs madly for a minute. Unlike a true evil-genius, he pulls it off without choking… until a few seconds later. If he could see Fernanda's face, he would have been scared because her glass eyes and sewn mouth look quite sinister. If she could, she would be laughing right now.

**Who is the newcomer? Has Baby Fernanda got a hidden agenda? Will Mr Tiny ever get those socks he's always wanted? We'll have to wait and see. I won't ask for any reviews this time but they would be appreciated (I'm starting to feel cut off and it's depressing). If there are some weird people out there who ARE still reading, I salute you and recommend the Extras on Darren Shan's website because some of them are SUPER-MONKEY-WITH-A-CHECKERS-OBSESSION RANDOM! That's nearly all I have to say. **

**Next up: Hens, Stags and Ninjas with no moves.**


	9. Hens, Stags and Ninjas with no moves

**A.N.: Enjoy if you're random enough to follow it. I like random people. This story is becoming less of a random fic and more revenge-y. Oh well. I don't see many more surprise guests popping in with their own revenges so you can rest easy.**

**This is dedicated to everyone who has reviewed and everybody who enjoys having fun without caring what people think. This is for all those people (not sure how many there are). It also gets dedicated to my cousin who had her birthday today and it meant that there were 101 weird and wonderful, random things to inspire me. You can't go to a kiddies party and not have a laugh. Happy birthday you monkey.**

**Baby Fernanda (holds up a note): Everything in this is rented. It all belongs to someone else. I belong to myself. Nobody owns me. Thank you.**

**Still-dreaming15: (whacks Fernanda on her head with an aluminium baseball bat) Shut up. We own you. Deal with it. **

**Baby Fernanda (new note): Ow. They now own me but not Darren Shan… or the Rainbow troupe. As promised; Hens, Stags and Ninjas with no moves.**

Outside the Hall of Princes a crowd of Ninjas were waiting. They weren't really Ninjas but for the purpose of unnecessary suspense, I can't give you their identities. I will tell you later about their little secret though. Back to the point, the 'Ninjas' were waiting for an opportunity to attack the Hall and steal the Stone of Blood as their extra chair (it would have been the last multicoloured seat at Rainbows). Unfortunately, they'd been there so long that they'd gotten expelled from the troupe (for being all guys) and had grown beards. Nobody really wanted to remind themselves of those little facts so they all continued in their 'reality'.

"General, we have waited too long!" one of them hisses, picking his nose in the hope of finding chicken. "I am hungry again and I do not think that we shall have a better opportunity."

"I fed you a hundred years ago!" the General snaps. "Besides, I was watching X Factor! Now I've missed the final! I'll have to watch it again now!"

There are a series of groans and angry mutterings before the General switches off the portable TV with a sigh.

"Alright!" he mutters. "We'll take a quick peak at the Hall and then make a decision, okay?"

The 'Ninjas' creep up to the Hall and watch with unfolding horror as the Princes strip into various pink, frilly outfits (as happened in Chapter 7 – I think) whilst asleep. They note all the decorating going on and random shouts.

"The vampires have gone insane!" one 'Ninja' gasps as he pulls off his mask to get a better look. A lot of unwanted, scruffy red hair, purple skin and red eyes is revealed. You probably guessed it; the vampaneze have come to town. Having free eyes does not make the sight any better. They can see the whole hall in a state of… _disturbance_ as they make preparations for what seems to be a wedding.

"I think we had better postpone our attack," the General thinks aloud. "It wouldn't be any good to attack when our enemies are at full strength."

Wherever in the vampaneze-lands this 'logic' comes from, the others agree and they walk in, having decided that (rather than hang about or explore the tourist attractions or shop or even get ready for battle – a number of things that would be better than their actual choice) they should give a helping hand to the stretched vampires.

"Erm… vampires? Do you want any help?" the General asks, walking into the Hall. Darren spots him first.

"Vampaneze!" he gasps. "You're evil! Why are you here?!"

"Erm, we were waiting to attack your Hall but we'll wait for a little while. Do you want help? We're very crafty – we used to be in Rainbows! I was the Pixie chief!" the General replies, proudly. His actual name is Harry Potter but he prefers the name 'General'… or 'Kenny' depending on the time of day.

"Okay!" Darren grins. It doesn't strike his as odd that vampaneze are in the Mountain or that they want to help. "You can do the banners and the flower arrangements. If you go over there, Mr Mocker can show you what to do."

He points to the evil General playing with roses. Mr Mocker looks quite dazed because of all the flowers. If 'Kenny' didn't know better, he'd say that the poor vampire was dead but he'd never earned his First Aid badge so he decided not to interfere.

- Pause for 10 seconds -

Darren looks around the room exactly 10 seconds later; the room is nearly finished. There are banners on the walls and flowers in vases. There are even chairs forming an aisle. Vampires are bringing in food from the kitchens (including a stag and several bats – which all taste like chicken to the delight of the vampaneze… until 'Kenny' turned it into a hen because he felt deprived of feminism). In another 3 seconds, everything will be perfect… hopefully.

He sighs in contentment at a job well done. The taste of sweet revenge is almost dancing on his tongue. Admittedly, this has all been a random day but what can you do? Some things you just have to make the most of. This could make a good story – he should write it into his diary. Nothing will stop him from completing his dream. Nothing…

… but the Prince running in. He has green-hair and thinks himself a ladies man.

"Oi! You lot! How could you forget me!" he roars. "I am the best and most fashionable character in the series! Every woman loves me! I know you're all jealous of my charm and good looks but please! I at least ought to have an invite!"

"Erm, who are you?" Harkat asks, looking up from combing Mika's hair. The goth-vampire-Prince has a very fashionable curly mop on his head that any bride would kill for (kill to escape from that is).

"_I_ am Vancha March," the newbie announces. "I came here originally to get revenge on Mika for putting soap on my animal-skins. However, I have decided that you're doing a good job and you should keep up the good work… Can I _please_ be the Father-of-the-bride? I always wanted to walk my little girlie, Mika, down the aisle!"

Darren wonders if he ought to say 'no' but then the hairy Prince turns on 100 puppy-dog eyes and he caves. Vancha does a little happy-dance before a vampire hits him. Before the Prince can hit the vampire back, organ music starts up and he rushes to drag Mika down the aisle the wrong way.

"Not quite ready yet, Seba!" Darren yells and the music stops. "Good though. Try a bit more 'minor-key'. I don't think Mika would like to be skipping down the aisle."

Seba nods and messes around with some buttons and pegs. When he begins to play again, the original Wedding March is more like Doomsday music. Darren gives him the thumbs up.

With Mika ready and the groom at the altar, Darren pulls on his special-occasion, pink cape and gets ready to read the short service. Something seems out of place somehow. What could it be? The bridesmaid! Baby Fernanda! All this and he'd forgotten the real reason he was inflicting this marriage on Mika and Arrow – so they could adopt her!

Fortunately, the 'Ninja' who stole Fernanda from Mr Crepsley chose this moment to run in, screaming at the vampaneze 'I got her, dudes' repeatedly. As he passes Darren, the Prince snatches the bunny-doll away which meant that the screaming Ninja no longer has their prize and sits down dejectedly.

For the real time, Seba strikes up the organ, Baby Fernanda is carried down the aisle by a tearful and honoured Mr Crepsley (who snuck back in when he smelt the 'chicken') and Vancha hauls a sleeping and veiled, puffy Mika to the start of the aisle. It's time for the wedding to begin!

**Aren't you excited? The wedding is about to begin… finally! There is only one real chapter ahead of this and we're almost at the end! sniffles on Harkat's sleeve Anyway if you have any idea on who the mystery Ninja should be PM me (don't give it all away!). I am also thinking about doing a sequel to this so if you would like to object and prefer me NOT to continue, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Thank you for actually being bothered to put up with my randomness. **


	10. Incriminating Evidence

**I'm dying to get this story finished because there are so many other projects waiting so I'm throwing my writer's block out of the window. If only we could do that to the Darren Shan Characters... hmm... Anyway, we've been playing more Consequences games which I might just throw in if people are interested – it's a Steve and Gannen sort of one. If anybody's interested then I can recommend the review button or the PM one - I'm not psychic YET.**

**Dedicated to the amazing people who know how to read insanity.**

**The authoresses hold no responsibility for any offense possibly caused by Aunty Ethel. Any coincidences to real, fictional, dead, alien, alternate, three-headed persons who are hygienically challenged and are make-up-happy**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Darren Shan... Really I don't . . ... Why are you all staring at me?! *runs out sobbing hysterically***

Surprisingly, as Mika walks down the aisle, there are a number of sniffs. It would seem – to an outsider – that perhaps the entirety of the Mountain don't want to see their beloved, in-touch-with-his-feminine-side prince grow up... or down. If you are thinking that they care, you're wrong. In actual fact, the vampires and vampaneze are trying not to laugh but it all proves too much for them and peals of laughter break out, cracking the ceiling with the strength of their sound waves. Upon hearing it, somewhere deep inside the mountain, the medics grimace as they then hear the screams of ribs breaking and funny-bones growing really _really _big.

Finally, Mika reaches the end and flops like a jellyfish. Darren hisses at Vancha to be more careful and he shrugs.

"I didn't know did I?!" he mumbles.

Something isn't right here... Darren thinks to himself. Shouldn't Seba have stopped playing by now? But Seba can only stop when the priest says something... and Paris is asleep! He had hoped that the old prince would spike into action and be a proper priest but it doesn't look like it'll happen. Suddenly, Darren gets another great idea...

"Mr Crepsley, you'll have to do it!" Darren yells across the room. The red-haired dude stands up and grins, pulling away his dusty tuxedo to reveal a cross between a shining suit of armour and a sparkly vicar-do.

"I SHALL SAVE THE WEDDING!" he screams, leaping through the annoyed rows of guests by jumping on their heads. "DO NOT WORRY!"

Unfortunately, as he's making his big finale to get to the front, he drops like a stone and ends up flopping on his face. The guests wince but some take pictures... especially as a rather curious object appears from his pocket appears.

"What's that?" Darren asks, trying to keep a straight face.

"Uh... nothing, young Master Shan. Nothing at all," he laughs nervously, slowly inching towards the offence. He tries to get to it first but dives into the carpet as Harkat gets there first.

"It's a pair of panties!" Harkat announces, waving them for all to see. They're even more... ahem... _stylish_ than Gavner's were with pink lacy hearts and the backing of a... thong! Some of the men in the back row wolf-whistle and Mr Crepsley goes bright red.

"I can... explain," he mumbles.

"Explain why you have a pair of female panties in your pocket?" Darren shrieks.

"I did not put them there!" he shrieks in reply as he tries to snatch them back.

They both dive for the panties at exactly the same time but Darren gets there first as Mr Crepsley smashes into the side of his head like a toddler throwing lego. The boy gets up, rubs his head but holds the offending articles high in the air. The vampires and vampaneze applaud.

"Phoo-ey!" Mr Crepsley complains, stomping his foot.

The foot rocks the floor, the waves rock the walls, the walls rock the ceiling and a huge chunk of dislocated plaster hits the buffet table at the back of the hall, knocking a sole carrot to the floor. For five seconds there's a piercing, female scream. Everybody pauses and looks at the carrot (which is now panting from the winding).

"I'd know that scream anywhere! I do! I do!" the red-headed vampire squeaks.

"Yes! Larten it's me! Arra! I have been reincarnated in this carrot! You have to help me!" the carrot calls.

Harkat coughs and mutters under his breath, "Does anyone else think this story is slowly spiralling out of control or is it just me?"

From somewhere the very inspiring music from the Olympics/Commonwealth/Other sporting event begins to play and Mr Crepsley runs slow motion towards the carrot.

"Arra!" he calls.

"Larten!" the carrot sighs back.

He slows and picks up the carrot. Everyone pulls out their tissues, ready for a happy ending but then the music stops dead and a very different outcome occurs.

"Like O.M.G. my like bestest bud like EVERRR!!! You're so great for not leaving me to go shopping on my bill. Arra, you're like my new BBFFITWWW **(A.N.: Bestest Best Friend Forever In the Whole Wide World)** and we are so going _SHOPPING!!! _Like I sooooo need a new trackie for when me and the guys go to the gym to see cute people work out - _so fit_! I saw this _gorgeous_ pink one but I'm scared it'll make me look chavvy or fat so I'm going to get the black one 'stead, 'kay? o.j. l.o.l j.k.j.k.j.k.j.k!!! I heart me and you!" he gushes, kissing the carrot in a way that would make your Aunty Ethel (the one that never washes, wears carpets and has so much lipstick on that she can't even get it off you after one of her special sloppy kisses) proud.

"EWWW!!! GET HIM OFF ME!" the carrot screams. "HE'S CRAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Darren, taking pity on the vegetable, aims the thong, stretches it and then lets go. It sails through the air and then lands squarely on the small crop of grated cheese his mentor calls hair like a coat on a hook. For a brief moment there's silence and then one person's laughter. Mr Crepsley is laughing.?

"MWAH HA HA HA!" he chuckles. "NOW I HAVE MY PERDY **(A.N.: This is 'pretty' in baby-talk/semi-english)** PANTIES BACK!"

Still laughing, he tosses the carrot away and runs out screaming. Nobody moves. There's quiet - but not for long.

"HELP!!!" the carrot yells again. Everyone turns back to the front and stares. The screams fade again but like someone being drowned or thrown down a very long tunnel. Baby Fernanda is sat where the carrot was with a little bit of orange veg on it's sewn mouth. The carrot is nowhere to be seen.

**A.N.: Did Baby Fernanda really eat the reincarnation of Arra? Has Mr Crepsley gone completely and utterly insane? Is this story ever going to end? Should I be on medication or is this is a safe way to release stress after exams? We shall never know - or shall we? Next time we will actually get to the vows (I hope)! Until I can find some more time to get the next chapter up (I would look again in summer), have fun being incredibly insane and mad and laughing for no reason/freaking people out. Go on! You know it's fun being completely nuts!**


	11. The Wedding

**A.N.: Well this is the final chapter *sniff*. The end. Finito. No more. Of course it won't live up to your expectations so don't send flames telling me that. It's an end – like it or not. *Sniff* **

**Disclaimer (by Baby Fernanda): *holds up a sign* The Authoresses are too distressed to do a disclaimer as it is the end of BabY Fernanda. If they could they would disclaim anything recognisable. HELP ME! I AM BABY FERNANDA, A SLAVE! DO NOT LET THEM SELL ME! Goodbye from them. XXX**

**Strike up the Jaws Theme and enjoy. Happy Christmas/Seasons Greetings/Whatever you find PC!**

Whilst everyone stares at the carrot, the lovely couple are neglected. Not wise. For as they all wonder about whether or not the reincarnation of Arra was just eaten by a bunny doll, Mika begins to stir. He rubs his eyes and yawns. The sound catches the attention of Darren, who panics. Oh no!

"Quick!" Darren yells. "Somebody knock him out!"

Fearful of their lives, everybody pounces on the Goth, lashing out. Needless to say they miss him and knock each other out. However, Darren sighs with relief as the weight on the Prince causes him to pass out again.

"Guys, we have a crisis!" he tells the remainder of the conscious audience. "They are waking up."

Gasps and murmurs run around the room – everyone knows what will happen if Mika wakes up and finds himself being dragged down the aisle.

"Now, we have two options," the young Prince announces, trying to regain order and failing. "We can rush this wedding and get murdered or we can cover it up and pray that they never find out. Vote; who wants to rush this wedding?"

The answer was a stampede of people who picked up Mika, Arrow and Baby Fernanda and chanting that sounded oddly like 'The Wedding March' on high-speed. Darren shakes his head and makes his way to the priest's position.

"Gods of the vampires save me!" he mutters.

*****

Some time later...

Mika is awake. He doesn't open his eyes. His head hurts. That must have been one drinking party. In the coffin-space next to him he can hear gentle breathing. It sounds like the barmaid. But he's in his coffin? Did he get lucky last night? He must have. He snuggles up to her with a smile. She's a big, muscly girl. No wonder his head hurts. Then he opens his eyes. He frowns. The barmaid doesn't have tattoos all over her arms. The barmaid rolls over and kisses him on the lips before opening his eyes two. Both of them scream simultaneously. Deep in the mountain, on the other end of the webcams that had been set up earlier, the Hall of Princes bursts into maniacal laughter.

*****

It had been a full week since 'the incident'. Although the Princes had no idea what had occurred during their 'period of indisposition', they knew it hadn't been good. Mika was a laughing-stock and every time he tried to speak, vampires had pulled 'kissy' faces at him; Paris was greeted with 'YO HOMEY!' and Arrow... well nobody could be bothered mocking him. Baby Fernanda now had her very own throne in the HOP (**A.N.: Hall of Princes**) and Mr Crepsley had taken refuge in the showers to avoid the 'underwear incident'. Things would take a long time to settle again.

Darren however was more popular than ever, it seemed because the wedding rings he had placed on Mika and Arrow's fingers had stubbornly refused to come off as a constant reminder. It had been a fantastic laugh and would put him in the history books forever.

"Psst!" Mika hissed. He was getting sick of all the laughter. A servant came up to him, having been surfing Facebook for the past hour.

"What's that?" the Prince demanded.

"Sire..." the servant began. He stopped when he saw the Goth's expression.

"Show me!" he commanded.

Reluctantly, the servant passed him the laptop. Pictures of fluffy dresses, Bunny-dolls and generally everything that had occurred were on display for him to see. He only had one thing to say...

"DARREN!!!"

**So there you have it. Stay tuned – there may be other random madness up in time for Christmas as the holidays begin soon. I also have polls up on my profile but nobody has voted - *sniff*. Have a very happy Darren-Shan style Christmas!**

**Sheep-rock and Still-dreaming15**


	12. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**A.N.: Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: In case you hadn't realised, the main character of the Darren Shan Saga is named after the author. Since I don't have the name 'Darren Shan', it's pretty safe to assume I'm just borrowing the characters and don't, in fact, own them. **

No-one ever messes with Mika. Ever. I mean why would you? The vampire prince is practically a superhero, what with the super-evil-goth-glare that can turn a fully-functioning (or as functioning as vampires can be...) person into a puddle in seconds and the power of veto. Yes, Mika is not to be messed with. Which is why, Darren has spent the last month in a constant state of panic and fear. In all fairness, the 'Baby Fernanda Incident' wasn't entirely his fault but, having been introduced to Facebook, Mika took the four-hundred-members-strong group, 'The Baby Fernanda Incident was 100% Darren's fault and had nothing to do with us at all, even though we took all the pictures and... we'll stop now *nervous laugh*', as THE TRUTH.

Mika mused on the bunny doll. In fact, he still felt a strange and almost-motherly (not that he'd ever admit to having feelings) affection for the toy. It was small, fluffy and, well, adorable. Still, he couldn't allow Darren and the other vampires to continue laughing at him. It just was NOT ON. So he came up with 'a cunning plan'.

Darren had taken to sleeping with 'just a few extra precautions'. Or so he told Harkat, who had moved out from fear of the insanity vibes Darren was giving out. As everyone knows, 'just a few extra precautions' actually means several bear traps, grenades, barbed wire, rigged machine guns... you know, the usual. On top of that, Darren had a state of the art security system that set off a siren as soon as anyone got within half a mile of his cell. Unfortunately, as Mika realised when he started creeping up to Darren's (final) resting place, this was all... completely useless.

Having spent a month with this siren going off constantly, Darren had obviously become desensitised to the noise and slept through it like a baby. So when Mika trod on three bear traps, set off a grenade by accident and got tangled in the barbed wire like a cat in a ball of wool, all while screaming his head off, Darren didn't even stir. So you can imagine his surprise when he woke to find himself strung up in the Hall of Princes, facing the thrones. His blood ran cold and pooled in his head. Mika had finally got him.

On the middle throne (Mika's actually), the bunny doll sat, it's ears flopped over it's face. It's little plastic eyes seemed to glare out at him from the pink fur and the stitched mouth now looked more evil than ever. Someone had hung a sign round it's neck, with only two words on it:

'**I'M BACK'**

**A.N: So what do you think? Baby Fernanda is back and continuing it's adventures in **_**Baby Fernanda 2: Mika's Revenge.**_** Please, please, pleeease review and leave any comments and, so long as there's SOME interest, Chapter One should be up very soon. Flames are never really welcome as most people know, despite the whole review note thing like 'constructive criticism is a good tool for authors' or something. Frankly, it's just disheartening. Still, if you really really hate something then I guess you'd better share it and if I agree, of course I'll change it. Ideas on where to go from here ARE welcome, however. **

**P.S. This is both the Prologue for Baby Fernanda 2 and the Epilogue for Baby Fernanda 1. Things tie in better that way. Sorry for the repeat and reviews on either are very welcome.**


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